Clergyman Has Potato Surgically Removed From His Rectum

A clergyman, in his 50s, checked into Sheffield's Northern General Hospital with a potato lodged up his ass and had to have it surgically removed.

The clergyman claims that the potato was not up there as a result of any sex games, but that he was hanging curtains in his kitchen while nude and happened to slip and fall on it. He must have one loose asshole.

Source: Metro

Woman Calls 911 From Her Front Lawn Claiming She's Lost In The Woods

A woman in Hudson, FL was arrested after calling 911 to report that she was lost in the woods and didn't know where to urinate. Deputies responding to the call instead found Marcia Usher in her front yard, intoxicated and holding a beer, while a loaded handgun sat in the top of her cooler. Clearly a classy woman.

After a struggle, Usher was tackled to the ground and taken into custody, where during a strip search a vial of meth residue was discovered. She now faces charges of carrying a concealed weapon without a permit, possession of methamphetamine, introduction/possession of contraband in a detention facility, and resisting arrest without violence.

Source: WTSP

Church Carnival Game: Shoot Obama, Win A Prize!

Nothing portrays the spirit of Christ quite like a shooting game that rewards you with a prize for firing a shot into the head or heart of President Obama, am I right?

At least the idiots in Roseta, Pennsylvania that put together the annual Our Lady of Mount Carmel Big Time celebration think so, because they put together just such a game. But can you blame them? Is there really a better way to spend time with your family than playing a game of Assassinate the President?

Irvin L. Good Jr., the dipshit president of Goodtime Amusements, claims that it was not meant to portray Obama, and that people were misinterpreting it. Seriously, how dare they draw that conclusion simply because the man is black, holding a health bill and wearing the presidential seal as a belt buckle!? That's racist!

Apparently Good believes that since he is a moron himself, and since he's constantly surrounded by equally unintelligent imbeciles, that kind of excuse should work. Unfortunately for him, there are still a few intelligent people left, even some that go to church carnivals, that can see right through his bullshit. 

Family Calls 911 After Getting Lost In A Corn Maze

Every year, thousands of people show up at Connor's Farms in Danvers, Massachusetts to find their way through a 7 acre corn maze. However, on Monday afternoon, one family with 2 small children got lost, and the jackasses called 911 to help them get out.

"Hi, I just called. I'm still stuck at Connor's Farms. I don't see anybody. I'm really scared. It's really dark and we have a 3-month-old baby with us" said the mother of the poor, unfortunate offspring that has a snowball's chance in hell of growing up to be intelligent.

"Just relax, calm down. Your husband's with you, right?" replied the dispatcher.

"Yes, but my baby!" cried the dipshit.

When the police arrived and informed a man working at the farm that someone called because they were lost, he replied with the obvious "You're kidding!?"

With the family only 25 feet from the end, the worker walked in, found them, and escorted them out.

"It's kind of crazy that someone would get lost, but it's a maze. That's kind of the concept. You're supposed to get lost and have fun and find your way out again" said one of the maze wanderers.

But apparently when you're not all that intelligent, it just becomes frightening.

79 Year Old Man Assaulted Due To Poor Karaoke Skills

In western New York, a 42 year old man assaulted a 79 year old man, punching him into a plate glass window, after complaining about his karaoke singing. He was convicted of second-degree assault on Thursday.

Prosecutors say Paul Collen was at the bar during their weekly karaoke night when he punched the older man in the face, breaking his nose and facial bones, and sending his head through a plate glass window before several others jumped into to stop him. He will be sentenced on October 26th, and could face up to seven years in prison.

Source: Forbes